I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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