i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
