Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize