Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
