I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
