So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize