Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
