Too much gin, very little bucket
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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