the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
