I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
