My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
