i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
