Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
