im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
