She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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