Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
