based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
