Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
the liver wants what the liver wants
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
