when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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