just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
