Plan B is the new Plan A
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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