The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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