You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
