mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
