Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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