Where did you get a picture of my penis
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
