Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
