Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Still dying that you shit outside
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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