I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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