I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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