I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
