I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
