i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
