I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
