so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
