I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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