I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
