i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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