I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Drunk is not a location!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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