When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize