u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize