Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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