just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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