I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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