btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
