If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think people are normalizing furries
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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