i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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