it's too hot outside to masturbate.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
