Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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