wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
