I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize