he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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