I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
