if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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