Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize