walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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