Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
