I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Swine flu. Run for my life!
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
