i wish starbucks made bloody marys
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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