Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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