You smell like a Billy Joel song
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
