i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize