I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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