In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
